It’s been a while since I posted last, for a good reason. One of my three daughters passed away earlier this year (the big C) which left me traumatised, I felt as if a part of me had died with her. Although we knew it was coming it was a shock for me and her two sisters when she actually died. I have a very close bond with my three daughters. I found it very hard to connect with everyday life, to sleep or to focus on anything. I allowed myself to grieve and still am really, it comes and goes like dark heavy waves of deep sadness, accompanied with a pain in my chest that makes it difficult for me to breathe. I withdrew inwards and neglected all my commitments, that suddenly had no meaning for me any more. I just did not care. My only contact was with my two daughters and my son in law, at first, then after a few months, with close family members, other than that I had no wish to socialise or to speak with anyone else. Very slowly now I am waking up, and very slowly trying to pick up my life again, seeing a few close friends, on and off going to the gym, or taking my usual walks by the lake. I am forcing myself to make an effort. They say time will heal. I doubt that. I think this pain, this void inside me, will stay with me forever. For a couple of months I did all the stuff that I should not do. I was very aware of that. I spent most of the days alone, I watched TV for many long hours like a zombie, which depressed me even more. I ate junk food which made me feel awful as I put on weight, I stopped going to the gym, did not go out for walks or fresh air and I was great at lying to my two daughters when they phoned assuring them that I was just fine. I did not answer any other calls, forget emails etc. I pulled myself together when I saw my daughters, pretending to be strong for a few hours, then back again to being alone at home and to my sloppy ways. I let myself go telling myself it’s OK I must allow myself to grieve, the only way I know how. I lit candles for my daughter and spoke to her constantly. No I have not lost my marbles, I just miss her and I really wonder whether she can hear me at all! We think we know so much and yet we know nothing really. Nothing about life after death no matter who says what, no one really knows. One is here lives a full life with all the drama, and then you’re gone! Just like that! I lost my parents over two decades ago, and a younger brother about the same time, yet this is so different for me. For the first time I had the revelation that we really know nothing. So I bless her soul, I wish her to be happy wherever she might be as I spend hours thinking about our life, with me as her mother, and how she enriched my life as my daughter. She was happily married for over 25 years and had no kids. She was a singer and the last two months of her life she lost her voice, she literally could not speak. So she communicated with us in writing. And she was in good spirits and at peace with herself, with us, and with her maker, right up to the end.
Now five months after, I shall have to come back to the reality of life as we are experiencing it now and as I surf the web and really follow the news about our world I don’t know where to begin to share what exactly with you! Is it about the flat earth theory?! or about the immigrants and the systematic destruction of western Europe? about religions and Islam specifically which is spreading like a virus? about the extinction of the human race or about humans colonising another planet? or about robots and cyborgs? or about Trump being the US President? What a nightmare! I know that there are also good news, that many good people are constructive and doing many good deeds but one has to look hard to find the good news. I wonder why that is. You see with all my wisdom and all my knowledge, my lifelong spiritual work and meditations etcetera I am as vulnerable as everybody else. I am being overpowered with the negativity of our world. I have been shaken to the core by my latest traumatic experience. But we have to face our reality and not live in denial always being politically correct. I don’t see how that can help.
I think that I have found just the right video on youtube that I would like to share with you. See my next post……
12 June, 2016